3 Days Left

Forgive me if it already sounds like intruding. This is just one of those things that keep the hope--and the sanity--alive day after day after day.

On Being Immature

I was preparing myself to get busy with online work when I dropped by this particular blog that I've been reading for so long already (I won't link to it for privacy reasons). After reading the last post, I suddenly felt that I needed to write this one and rant.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been trying my best to be as emotionally mature as possible. So far it has been a horrible experience, with myself occassionally breaking out of my own control and letting my immaturity reveal its hideous form.

I know that I should be as understanding as possible--and it is that knowledge that makes me sick. I am aware of the problem and I am aware of the sole thing that I can do in order to help the situation. So why do I sometimes feel selfish? Why do I sometimes act like a child?

And when reason takes control of my mind again, I blame myself for reacting immaturely to the situation. Nakakaguilty. Nakakahiya ako. After ng lahat ng nangyari, ganito pa rin ang ugali ko. I become apologetic all of a sudden, promising to myself that I will never do it again. For a while, I do succeed at trying--until immaturity strikes again.

This is emotionally draining.

Sometimes I just comfort myself that, perhaps, if I really feel the gravity of the situation first-hand, I will become more genuinely understanding. On other occassions, I tell myself that only time can make me more mature. It is a lifelong process, after all.

But why can't I just grow up NOW? TODAY? Right at THIS MOMENT? Why not AT THIS POINT IN TIME when my emotional maturity is most needed? Why can't I just grow up now not only for others but also for my own well-being? :(

Goodness, Gian, just ditch the little boy out of you and act like a man already. You're already 19 years old.

*rant mode off*

(Image taken from MyLifeMyMuse.com)

Disappointed

To be called something that you highly despise is the greatest insult of all. You have no idea how hard I worked just to avoid being called such.

Crazy

You guys are crazy. You really are. Without you, I don't think this year will be as memorable as it already is. You see, I am supposed to get all tired because it's senior year but, on the contrary, I am enjoying every minute of it--and it's all your fault.

Thank you for allowing my mind to set aside life's dramas.

Childish Professional Spikey Aura

Can anybody tell me what the title of this post is supposed to mean? I do not know it myself, frankly speaking. One of my thesis groupmates just quoted it from the supposed (he might be kidding me) peer evaluation that he had created for me, as required by our adviser.

The entire excerpt read:

...but underneath his childish professional spikey aura lies an active yet lonely soul.

I could've been touched, knowing the surprising honesty and sincerity of this friend (oh he likes to crack up jokes as well), but seriously, I couldn't get myself to do it because I have no vague idea how a "spikey soul" should look like. Is one supposed to get hurt when hit by the spikes of the soul? Do I even have a soul myself in the first place? It surprises me to no end that I have somehow made this emo image impressed unto my friends.

Kidding aside, nearly a month has already passed since that fateful day. If only I had the chance to go back in time and redo whatever was done, I would have done that immediately. That is not possible, though. Sadly. All that I can do is hope for the best. And wait.

It takes time and space to heal everything. Goodness knows how much I hope that, when the dust settles and everything is healed, I can be truly happy again.

OK. Now THAT was melodramatic.